Chapter 23

LOVING RELATIONSHIPS WORK BECAUSE THERE IS NO WORK

Once a relationship passes the one-year-mark, I’m willing to bet that 85% of them start dealing with situations that require “work.”

                Conversations similar to the following begin to surface: “Oh, we’re doing the best we can to make it work,” or “He’s going to start taking me to dinner every weekend, to prove he wants to make this work,” or “She’s given me all the credit cards and promises to cut back on spending, so we can make this thing work.”

                This sounds more like a job than a relationship. If you were receiving “overtime pay” to “make your relationship work,” it might be a worthwhile investment. However, if you think work should stop after eight hours at the office, you might want to reconsider being involved in a relationship that requires work.

                Of course, this is easier said than done. Some humans are already stuck in relationships (or marriages) with attachments (kids, houses, cars). So for folks like you—I’m sorry—this chapter isn’t for you. It’s already too late. Go find a bridge.

                Just kidding.

                There are a number of different resources available to help alleviate the tensions that exist in marriages or other long-term relationships. I suggest you find the method(s) that best suit your particular situation, and do your best to make it as peaceful as possible.

                This chapter is for the folks who are involved in—or searching for—a relationship without any prior attachments. This chapter is about preventative maintenance. It’s about finding a car that runs well, changing the oil regularly, and making sure it stays in good condition.

                If you purchased a lemon, and are dealing with constant headaches (engine replacement, improper alignment, dead spark plugs), this chapter isn’t going to make you feel any better about your predicament. Just skip ahead to the next chapter.

                In the ideal relationship, two “whole” persons enter an agreement to bring their “wholeness” to the relationship. The intention is to allow the “wholeness” of each individual to magnify the enjoyment of the shared experience. It’s like two people agree to throw each other a party on the same day, at the same place. Peter brings a cake and plenty of party decorations. Lois brings ice cream and an exotic dancer named Natalia. When they get together, Peter, Lois, and Natalia can enjoy cake, ice cream, and dancing. This is an example of magnified happiness!

                Okay, so I was kidding about the exotic dancer. Definitely maybe, perhaps.

                When two “half-persons” enter a relationship agreement, they’re likely to say things like: “Kevin completes me; he makes me whole,” or “Britney is my soul-mate.” If two “half-persons” form a relationship, it’s likely to evolve into a “half-assed” relationship experience.

                Instead of searching for your “soul-mate,” or “the person who completes you,” focus on making sure you’re completely in love with yourself. It’s been said that, “A person is always alone, but you’re only lonely if you don’t like the person you’re alone with.” For a refresher course, read Chapter 54 “The Furnace,” in Follow the White Rabbit.

                In other words, fall in love with you first. Once you’ve cultivated a healthy level of self-respect, others will pick-up on that. This will make you seem more attractive. When you’re more attractive, you’ll begin to attract like-minded individuals.

                Needy people attract needy people—and they suck the life out of each other.

                Whole persons attract whole persons, and tend to magnify the joy they both experience.

                In those situations where the warning signs are ignored, and a “whole-person” chooses to form a relationship with a “needy person,” he will feel his “wholeness” diminish. In most cases, “whole people” don’t make “needy people” into “whole people.” The draining effects of “needy people” tend to cause a “whole person” to become a “needy person.”

                “Whole persons” are used to running their own race—without any resistance. When they choose to partner with a “needy person,” it’s like tying a rope around their waist, while trying to make the “needy person” keep up. Inevitably, the “whole person” will get tired of the added resistance, and slow his own pace in order to maintain pace with the “needy person.”