Chapter 20

RELATIONSHIPS—JUST DO YOUR HALF

You’re well on your way to becoming a beautiful butterfly, or a valuable, desired diamond. You’ve taken the dive into the pool. You’ve been immersed in the cocoon. You’re about to evolve into an entirely new creation.

                Miss Piggy—the beautiful butterfly—has arrived.

                You’re trying out your new butterfly wings, and you’re feeling on top of the world. You’re the new butterfly on the block, so all the butterfly-dudes are checking you out. An extremely handsome butterfly-stud named Kermit flies by and catches your butterfly-eyes.

                Kermit has a way with the ladies, and starts singing one of your favorite songs: Crazy Town’s “Butterfly.”

                In smooth rhythm-and-blues fashion, Kermit serenades you: “Come my lady ... come, come, my lady ... you’re my butterfly, sugar, baby.”

                You feel an instant attraction. What is it about this Kermit the butterfly that makes me want to get to know him better?

                Is it his handsome physical appearance?

                Is it his intriguing conversation skills?

                It is how he beautifully explains the caterpillar’s transformation into a butterfly?

                Oh! That’s it! Humility! I’m attracted to Kermit because he’s so humble!

                After a period of time you and Kermit decide you’re going to enter into a relationship agreement. You consciously outline the rules of your relationship agreement:

1.)  Always be honest with each other.

2.)  No butterfly-kisses for any other butterflies.

3.)  If one butterfly chooses to change these rules, they’ll immediately inform the other.

Sounds awfully simple, right? So why are love-relationships responsible for so much drama and pain? Answer: It’s usually a combination of breaking rules #1, #2, and #3.

                Miss Piggy begins to grow bored with Kermit’s routine flight patterns. Miss Piggy craves the attention she used to receive, back when she was the new butterfly on the block. So Miss Piggy decides to grab a new outfit from the butterfly-mall.

                “Hey girl!” says a random butterfly-guy. “You got a man?” Miss Piggy tosses her hair back, pretending not to hear. Although she refuses to acknowledge all the butterfly-guys who are trying to talk to her, she loves the attention. Miss Piggy suffers from “Supermodel Syn(Sin)drome.” I’ll explain that concept in Chapter 30.          

                Kermit gets home from work, tired after a long day. “Hey honey, what’s for dinner?”

                “Oh, I was busy running errands (shopping, tanning, nails) and I didn’t have time to make anything,” Miss Piggy responds. “Plus, I’m going out with my butterfly-girls tonight. Why don’t you order a pizza?”

                “I’m a butterfly,” replies Kermit. “Butterflies can’t order pizza.”

                Later that night, Miss Piggy is at the club, throwing back Apple Martinis. The DJ drops the new track from Trey Songz, and Miss Piggy goes wild. “That’s my song! That’s my song!” says Miss Piggy, as she makes her way to the dance floor.

                A suave metro-sexual butterfly-guy named Romeo eases up behind Miss Piggy. He wraps his scarf around Miss Piggy’s neck.

                “Hey Shawdy, you’re looking kinda fly tonight. Come kick it with me outside,” says Romeo.

                Miss Piggy is feeling kind of tipsy, thanks to the Apple Martinis. “Hee hee!” she giggles. “What’s outside? Hee hee.”

                Romeo, the slick butterfly-guy, recognizes his opportunity, and says, “What’s outside? I’m trying to take you to new heights, girl. Come fly with me.”

                The next thing you know, Miss Piggy and Romeo are flying together through the chilly night sky. Miss Piggy is lucky she didn’t get stopped for an FUI (Flying Under the Influence).

Romeo spots a lily pad on the pond nearby.

                “Hey, Miss Piggy, I don’t normally do this, but I was wondering if you’d like to check out my pad?”