Chapter 34
ANGER
The Buddha said, “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” In other words, you won’t create any negative situations by simply becoming angry. You will, however, create negative life-experiences by how you choose to respond to your anger.
Anger is a natural emotion that everybody feels. Anger is simply an emotional-response that says, “This doesn’t resonate with my values.” It’s like the temperature gauge on your car.
When your car is running smoothly, the temperature gauge rests quietly in the middle. However, if your car is starting to overheat, your temperature gauge may start flashing or beeping, as it moves over to the “Hot” side. This indicator, like anger, is simply a guide. It’s telling you that if you don’t take protective measures soon, your car will overheat, and might endure serious damage.
Anger serves the same purpose. It lets you know that you’ve entered a “potentially damaging” situation. It’s the indicator that tells you something important has been violated within “your engine.” The best action, in this predicament, is to pull off the road, regain your composure, internalize the problem, and seek the most reasonable plan of action. It might serve you to call a friend for help. Maybe you just need to add some coolant. The worst thing you can do is to ignore the problem.
Choosing to ignore your vehicle’s temperature gauge will only serve to complicate the situation. In the same token, ignoring your natural internal temperature gauge won’t make things any better, either.
There are reasonable responses to virtually any situation. No matter how severe your car’s problem, an experienced mechanic can restore any piece-of-junk to working condition. If you’ve ever been involved in an auto accident, you know some of the most damaged vehicles can be restored to look and drive like new.
If you’re just dealing with a car that’s overheating (you feel yourself becoming angry), there’s no reason to create a multi-vehicle crash. Just pull over. Let the car cool off. Call for help. Worst case scenario: Your car will be towed to your local mechanic (eliminating possible further damage), and he’ll begin fixing the issue. Best case scenario: You just need to add a little coolant (you need to cool-off) and be on your way.
The emotion of anger has the power to explode into wrath, which is one of the seven “deadly sins.” This happens when the natural emotion of anger (your internal temperature gauge) causes you to take malicious action. You decide to scream back, throw a punch, plot revenge, grab a weapon, etc. You’ve now entered the danger zone, or the area that will cause you to be “punished by your anger.”
You’ve absorbed the actions of another (that caused your anger), and you’ve decided to strike back. It’s in the “striking back” that you’ll be punished. Every action produces a consequence. When you choose to “strike back,” your target is more likely to reciprocate. The battle begins. When battles are waged, both fighters are injured, if not destroyed.
If lust is playing with fire, anger is playing with dynamite. Lust tends to start more slowly, building strength over a period of time. Other elements (wind, drought, wood) have to enter the picture before the fire becomes destructive. Anger, on the other hand, can create an explosion in an instant.
I began dealing with anger issues in my teens. Growing up in the Richmond, Virginia, area, everybody tends to be “on edge.” The culture is very “street.” It’s similar to New York or New Jersey. You’ve seen how people are always trying to pick fights with the cast members of MTV’s Jersey Shore. Most people in Richmond tend to have a “hard” outer shell, always demanding respect. Getting into fights is easy; I was certainly involved in my fair share. If somebody set off your “internal temperature gauge,” you were expected to defend your honor.
Of course, as I’ve progressed in my spiritual awareness—and become less attached to ego—I’ve learned how to best avoid these situations. When one doesn’t identify with the ego, squashing silly beef (drama) is just the most sensible choice.
The most damaging example of letting my anger create a destructive explosion involved my separation from the radio industry. Over the course of a decade, I had established myself as one of the premiere “night jocks” in the country. I created a successful show based in Birmingham which was also “syndicated” to several other cities.
Most radio personalities bounce from city to city, either getting fired, promoted, or a combination of the two. That’s just the world of radio; it’s never consistent. The new guy comes in and wants to “shake things up,” so he lets go of the old staff, or the persons who pose him the greatest threat.
In defiance of these odds, I managed to survive six different bosses over the course of seven years with the same station. My ratings were always solid. I was the most recognized personality on the station, and I had been there the longest.
I generated the most money in 2006, because club owners requested my presence at their clubs. These contracts were created under the stipulation that “Nick would be there.” The radio station made a staggering amount of money from these contracts; I only made a small portion. Each of these appearances generated roughly $2,000 for the radio station. Some were a little more; some were a little less. However, on average, each appearance brought in $2,000 for the radio station. Keep in mind, these contracts were annual contracts, so this money was guaranteed every week for a year. I was doing three of these type appearances every week. If you do the math, that’s roughly $6,000 per week. Again, these appearances wouldn’t have taken place without my presence. I’d receive $250 for each appearance. I essentially created $6,000 of revenue per week, of which I’d receive $750. If you multiply $6,000 times 52 weeks per year, you get the following number: $312,000. Following that logic, it’s safe to say that, in 2006, I was responsible for the generation of roughly $312,000—in just my club appearances. The Nick Nice appearances had become a valuable commodity. And this was before I even cracked the microphone—which was the main reason I was hired. That year (2006), my salary was $36,000.
Towards the end of my contract, which expired in September of 2007, my bosses took me to lunch so we could begin the “negotiation process.” They told me to put together a number that I thought was fair. I took into consideration what they were generating off the club appearances, in conjunction with the success of my radio show. Our Thursday night had just opened up, and a bidding war broke out between area clubs, in regards to who would get that night—and my appearance. I did my research before I put together my proposal. I asked the club manager the amount of the winning bid. He said it was $3,500 per week. I would receive $250 of that. That one night alone just generated $182,000 for the radio station. I took that information into consideration, and through an extremely balanced process—in which, I put myself in their shoes—I came up with a number. I asked for $83,000 per year for 2008 and $85,000 per year for 2009. I felt it was fair, considering the hundreds of thousands of dollars my club appearances were already netting.
I drafted a new contract—which would extend my employment for two additional years—as they requested. I included the new annual salary, signed it, and presented it to my supervisors. Without giving it to the General Manager, my Operations Manager emailed me and said, “The answer is ‘No.’ The GM isn’t going to go for this.”
I said, “But you haven’t even given it to him.”
He replied, “I’ll give it to him, but I already know what he’s going to say.”
I went on the air and created a high-quality show as usual.
When the final verdict was rendered, the judgment on my proposal was the same: “No.” They went on to offer me the typical increase of 3% each year. This is the same increase that mostly everybody gets. From my perspective, everybody wasn’t responsible for generating the hundreds of thousands of dollars that my requested club-appearances were netting. Again, that was before I even cracked the microphone! I thought, If you’re just going to offer me the standard 3% raise that everybody gets, why even waste time telling me to “come up with a number that’s fair?”
In a nutshell, I had just been offered $40,000 per year. I knew the “low-balling” negotiation tactics had begun. My guard was up. I had already dealt with shady negotiations and broken promises before.
Two years prior, two of my supervisors (that I trusted) had promised to promote me to “Morning Show Host” within six months to a year. That never happened. They were promoted to Florida and left me hanging. One even asked me to write a recommendation, which I did. I’m confident it helped him land the job.
During that negotiation process (in 2005), I was flown to Minneapolis for a job interview—with a different company. They put me in the penthouse in the middle of downtown and took me out to lunch and dinner. They offered me the job. Then, I allowed my trusted supervisor to get into my ear about “what a crappy station it was.” He even had a respected programmer (in our company) email me about “why I shouldn’t take the gig.” I expand on this situation in Chapter 64 “Loyalty” of Follow the White Rabbit.
After this experience, I realized that bosses are never your friends—even if they appear to be. The boss is looking out for his best interest and the company’s best interest. No matter what “pretty pictures” they paint, or promises they make, it’s never really about you. It’s always about them.
Just ask Conan O’Brien.
My daily routine included the posting of a daily “inspirational” blog. I wrote about whatever was going on in my life, and tried to project wisdom that my readers could apply to their own lives. My employer was always asking me to transfer my blog to their website—so they could generate more hits, to increase the site’s value to advertisers.
I finally agreed to do so.
At the beginning of the negotiation process (in June of 2007), I blogged about how it was time for “contract negotiations.” I said, “I don’t like the negotiation phase because it always creates tension.” I went on, “You’re used to high-fiving in the hallways, and then all-of-a-sudden, you have to start talking about money. It always makes things a bit uneasy.”
They didn’t have a problem with blog post.
Fast-forward to August of 2007; they said “No” to my offer. I politely told them (via email) that I’d be walking away at the end of my contract, on September 30, 2007. The next day, as usual, I blogged about what was happening in my life. At the end of the post, I said, “Unfortunately, my employers and I didn’t reach an agreement on a new contract. I wish them all the success that they deserve.”
Around 8 pm, I received an email from one of my supervisors, who told me they went into my blog, and taken out the part about us not being able to come to an agreement.
I was pissed.